


15 Minutes to Say Goodbye

by XRider



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cherry Blossoms, F/M, Fate, Goodbyes, Hospitals, Letters, M/M, Moving On, Sickfic, Snow, Teacher Sugawara Koushi, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, Tears, You might cry, daisuga - Freeform, give it a chance, happiness, i hate tags I never know what to put, its 2am, suga just wanted to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27449737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XRider/pseuds/XRider
Summary: Suga finds out he’s sick and he choses the option of least resistanceDoesn’t make it any easierQuote from story-“My selfish requests are really what I did when I realized I was on the clock. Enjoy the little things and be happy. I know it will be stupid for me to say that but that’s what got me through everyday. Looking for happy little things. You all have so much life ahead of you. So many big things I wish I could see them all. There will be good and bad days and things will be overwhelming. So just tiny happy things. Everyday no matter how small. Just please don’t taint your memory of me with this sickness. I just wanted to see you all happy and I’m so glad I did. Please keep chasing your dream. I’m still watching.”
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	15 Minutes to Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Well hello... sorry if this hurts your heart but I just really needed sad Suga hours
> 
> I’m no doctor so I tried to keep medical talk to a minimum 
> 
> I’m sorry I’m advance

Fate is a funny thing

Suga had never really been one to test it. He simply believed if it was meant to happen it will. No need to change his course to try a different path.

He also wasn’t really one who wanted to be a hassle. He enjoyed playing chaotic momma bird. He loved his team. His classes. His friends. His future. 

A teacher. That’s what he had decided on. He wanted the younger ones more specifically. Daichi joking the new first years were great practice for it. 

He liked it because it gave him the freedom to be a little silly like he always was but he already had such a natural ability to calm and collect the rowdy ones because in secret he was one of them anyways. Not to mention just watching them learn and grow was so satisfying. He couldn’t wait to have his own one day. 

Only fate had other ideas

Fate destroyed his possibility of that future 

It had been such a minor thing to him at the start. Some aches and pains he figured were from being an athlete. Occasional he would get dizzy which he figured was just because he skipped breakfast or something. Bruises would stay longer than they should. 

Apart they didn’t really seem like much. They really didn’t. He hadn’t even noticed or thought to mention it. It was a pure chance that they found it. 

He sat there with his parents as the doctors listed the options. The thing was… it was already likely too late. It had been going on for so long and he had never even noticed. How could he have missed it?

He had his choices. He sat with his parents on their couch. Hugging a pillow to his chest as he repeated what he had said over and over in the mirror. 

“I don’t want the treatment. It’s just going to buy me time but make me miserable. I get two maybe three extra years but they are filled with pain and doctors and medicine that is just… wasted.”

His mother covering her mouth slightly trying to hold the sobs. Lightly carding her fingers through his hair. His father with an arm around her looking solemn at his son. 

“I would rather live this last bit as normal yet fulfilled as I can. Stay with my friends and team. I’m not playing as much anyway with these crazy first years so I’m already taking it easy. Why not enjoy what we have in good memory and not with drugs and tubes. I’m going to die anyway might as well be on my terms.”

“But Koushi what if the medicine works,” his mother tried

Suga shook his head, “You heard them. It’s just delaying the inevitable. I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want to waste money and stress on stuff like that. I just want… good things. Happy things. Please,” Suga whispered the last part hoping his parents would understand 

It sparked a heated debate that lasted for three days in the Sugawara household. 

Three days of back and forth. Of pleading and reasoning. Of facts and personal experiences. 

But they caved to their son’s wishes

Their only son to add

But that night Suga made himself a list. Not really a kick the bucket list per say though some may argue. More like a happiness list. What made him happy? What were the best things of the day?

He wasn’t going to fight the hand fate dealt him. He wasn’t going to go kicking, screaming, and begging. He was going to live it to the best of his ability. He just wanted his last moments to be happy. 

He was going to make damn sure if it 

  
  


—————————

  
  


Another condition Suga made with his parents was that what was happening wasn’t out there in the open. He didn’t want the pity. The panic. The babying. He didn’t want that to spoil his remaining time. So a select few knew. Very select. 

But Suga made sure not a single volleyball member knew

None of them needed to worry. He wanted them to focus on getting to Nationals. So he kept it to himself. They didn’t need to know.

And they did just that

Suga's legs felt like they were going to give way as he reached out for Daichi and Asahi grabbing onto them, joining the celebratory hug. They had done it. Nationals. They were headed to Nationals.

He would get to see them play at Nationals. He would be able to make it to Nationals with them. He would be healthy enough to support them at least a bit there. He would be there with them. He wouldn’t leave them behind just yet.

They managed to wrangle everyone back on to the bus. Exhaustion wearing on them heavily. Suga smiled and reached high to pat Tsukkishima’s head as he passed. The taller boy looking as dead on his feet as ever. Suga took his seat besides Daichi who was seated by the window. Suga smiled looking back at the rest of the team already starting to doze off. His phone gave off a wind chime sound drawing his attention. Oh med time.

While he rejected treatment the doctors did give him several meds to help with his symptoms. Too many pills in his opinion but he took them regardless for the sake of they did actually help him get through the day a bit easier. Suga reached for his smaller bag under him pulling out the correct pill and water to chase it down with. He quickly downed it, making a small face as the pill passed his throat.

“You good?”

Suga tilted his head to Daichi who was looking at him slightly confused. Suga smiled and hummed.

“Small headache is all. Want to be able to sleep on the way home.”

Daichi nodded looking out the window as the bus rolled out of the lot. It had been a long day. A headache was a thing that could definitely occur at the end of a day like this. It was believable.

And Suga did sleep. Eventually his head slipped from the head rest landing slightly on Daichi’s shoulder. Daichi asleep cheek resting against the glass. The moment wouldn’t last. The bus, the exhaustion, the meds all a bit much for Suga. He was shivering when he woke up. Quick stop at a gas station to fill up. A few others also stirred as the bus halted.

Suga felt his face pale. His stomach gave him fair warning for what was about to happen. His head was heavy and hot yet so cold at the same time. He hardly gave the others time to get off before him. He tried not to run but he’s sure he did a bit. He shakily managed to kneel on the bathroom floor throwing up into the toilet before him. His arms shaking trying to keep him steady over the center. Beads of sweat racing down his spine and collecting on his forehead. The effort leaves him weak and unsteady.

The door opened just as Suga was able to catch his breath. Resting his head on the side of the stall. He could hear the soft humming and chatter of Hinata and Yamaguchi as they entered. He closed his eyes trying to prepare the mask he would need to put on. Carefully standing and headed to the sink to cleanse himself slightly from crouching on the floor. 

“Oh Suga there you are!” Hinata chirped joining him at the sink

“We were wondering where you went too. Do you want anything before we leave? A snack or something?” Yamaguchi asked joining them

Suga smiled softly tilting his head back slightly as if to think, “A smooth drink would be good. What do you think?”

The pair agreed and walked out with him helping him pick out his drink so he could clear the taste from his mouth. He also got a pack of gum for the sake of his breath. Just in case.

They joined the rest of the team back on the bus. Suga sliding down in his seat feeling weaker than he had all week. 

“Are you sure you are alright? You look a bit pale,” Daichi said as Suga rejoined him

Suga simply nodded and yawned, “Just tired I guess.”

  
  


—————————

  
  


The practices actually were worse. Suga knew they needed to be because Nationals and all… but if he didn’t already feel like he was dying practices definitely made sure he felt like it.

He did his best to keep the happy face and kept playing momma crow but there were practices that left him shaky in the locker room after trying desperately to catch his breath. The doctors had warned him the more he pushed himself the worse it would be. His body already attacking itself inside. It didn’t have time to help him try and keep up with those around him.

It was rough and the after effects such… but he was happy

Oddly enough at least.

He savored every day and went through his little list of happiness doing things as he went. Despite the concern of his parents who often reminded him, he also needed to rest in order to care for himself and make sure his days were the best possible.

He reread one of his favorite books. He watched his favorite movie a few too many times. He stayed after practice with Kageyama and Hinata much to Daichi’s annoyance. He ate one too many sweets. He stayed up way later then he should be playing some silly video game. He accidentally helped Tanaka get Noya stuck in the roof and had to eventually seek Asahi for help. He even convinced the team to have a sleepover for some team bonding. Smiling to himself remembering how they laid bundled up outside that evening tracing patterns in the stars together.

The first real hiccup came however when they were all pulled to once again talk about their futures. It was something that had already been talked about before when they began to suggest it was time for the third years to consider their futures over volleyball. 

Takeda froze slightly looking down at Suga’s papers. They were supposed to be talking about universities to visit and where his best options were to go. Why were Suga’s options now blank?

“Suga, walk me through this. The last time we talked there was a plan. What happened? Are you no longer considering teaching as a career?”

Suga shifted slightly in the lone chair in front of him. Suddenly feeling sheepish but really there was no point in wasting anyone’s time if he wasn’t going to live long enough to graduate from university. 

“I had a change in plans sir.”

Takeda lowered the papers back to his desk tilting his head as if waiting for a better explanation.

“There are some things I would like to do before considering it is all. Travel and such before actually going to school again. A break per say.”

Takeda hummed adjusting his glasses, “While taking a year between isn’t uncommon I didn’t expect it from you. I am surprised to see only one of my third years are actually considering universities at this point.”

“Let’s be honest it will be good for Asahi to find his feet a bit,” Suga said with a small smile

“Yes but I’m just confused about what changed for you. Why the change in your plans exactly? I just want to make sure you are thinking fully for your future. I have no doubt you will be successful in anything you choose though selfish of me I do think teaching would suit you perfectly. I just want to make sure you actually have a plan here and if I can help in any way.”

Suga chuckled slightly, “I talked it over with my parents. Just one year if not less of a bit of fun and happy memories. Then I will focus on my future.”

The lie felt sticky on his tongue. Like it was an insult to both of them not saying what the real truth was. That Suga wasn’t likely to survive long past gradation high school. At least that is what the doctors think. He was on borrowed time as it was. No use to wasting others time while he made the most of his.

However his decision had been overheard by the others

“So wait what are you doing after graduation then?” Noya asked as they stretched for practice

“Well it’s not written in stone or anything,” Suga mused thinking back to his happiness list, “Maybe travel a bit. Visit some rare sights and such. Climb some mountains. Maybe play some beach volleyball with some cute girls.”

This earned some giggling from Hinata and Noya. Yamaguchi however was frowning, stretching out his back, “But what happened to teaching?”

“That’s always available when he's done being adventurous,” Asahi said stretching his shoulders

“True. People take breaks before heading to university all the time. There is nothing wrong with it,” Ennoshita inputted

“Yeah just… didn’t expect it from Suga exactly,” Daichi muttered earning a small smack from Suga 

“Come on guys! Laps,” Ukai shouted earning a small groan from the group 

  
  


—————————

  
  


When the doctors told Suga he was on a time limit he remembered small things. The slightly ringing sound in the room. The cold fear leaking into his bones. The floor folded away from his legs as he realized his time was fading. That he could very well just go down one day and not get up. 

He didn’t expect to see it happen to his own teammates. First when Daichi took the hit from Tanaka. That moment of panic thinking Daichi was hurt and done. Only he didn’t stumble on the floor as Hinata just did. Hinata couldn’t even get up on his own. 

And it scared him

How could they not have noticed? How could he not have noticed? 

HInata had been running a fever likely since they got here and had exhausted himself to the point he couldn’t even stand. He couldn’t fly again today. No matter how much he begged saying he wasn’t actually hurt.

Because he wasn’t really… his body was just failing him

Suga felt an intense desire to turn from the game and join Hinata instead. Follow him and make sure he was ok. That he could come back soon.

But he needed to stay, he knew that. He knew Hinata was safe.

The feeling of ice dripping down on him came back as the thought entered his head.

_ Will that be me? _

Will he do just as Hinata did? Work himself into exhaustion? Work himself till his own death? Deplete his time limit sooner than he was supposed to?

_ Will my team watch me fall unable to stand again as well? _

Suga's body quivered in fear and slight shock at the thought. The full reality seemed to hit him all at once.

He was going to die and it didn’t matter what he did, it would happen rather soon.

It ate at him the rest of the night. Causing his hands to shake and him to zone out often. 

“You aren’t catching what Hinata has, are you Suga?”

Suga jumped, noticing Kageyama staring at his hands as they shook too much for the spoon to hold its contents. 

“Oh no! Sorry just cold.”

“You’ve been cold a lot Suga. Maybe you need to bring more layers,” Noya popped up from behind him resting his chin on his shoulder

Suga chuckled, “I think I bring more for you all then I do myself. I tend to forget.”

“I think I have an extra hoodie. Will be a bit big but it’s warm,” Asahi added from his end of the table

“That’s would be great thank you,” Suga feeling guilty as Asahi left to bring it to him

They continued to chat about the teams and games from the day. They had lost after Hinata went down. It was a fight alright but they just weren’t good enough. Suga knew everyone took a bit of the guilt with them. If they had just done this or that maybe it would be different. 

But all in all it was no one's fault, it was just how fate laid it out. 

Suga wrapped himself in Asahi’s spare hoodie as they finished eating and helped clear what they should. Suga knew coach had already brought Hinata food but he was just itching for comfort of sorts. 

Not that Hinata could give the comfort he was searching for. 

However right before baths opened Suga found himself pulling on a mask and knocking softly at the door of the room they kept Hinata for the night. A soft enter reached him from the other side. Suga smiles under the mask opening the door closing it quickly behind him. He’s sure coach would say something about him being there if he was caught. 

He knew his doctors would definitely have an opinion about it. He was weak enough as it was. 

“Hey Hinata,” he whispered sitting cross legged besides him

“Hey,” the boy huffed out not exactly sounding weak but tired nonetheless which was a lot for Hinata anyway

“You gave us a bit of a scare you know,” Suga lightly run his fingers through Hinata’s tangled mess of hair pushing it out of his face

“I’m sorry… I didn’t even notice… I thought…” Hinata sighed and Suga let his cool hand rest on Hinata’s forehead 

The medicine already doing it’s job keeping everything at bay. Helping the boy fight off what was battling around inside him. Healing him like medicine was supposed to do. Not just simply buying time. 

“You have next year Hinata. You played well. You will be back on the court before you know it. I promise. You just gotta take better care of yourself.”

_ That’s funny coming from you _

“I know. Coach and I talked.”

Suga hummed watching as Hinata’s eyes seemed to lull more and more as he continued running his fingers through his hair. 

“Rest well Hinata. You still have a whole world to conquer ok. Can you do that for me?”

That last part a selfish whisper. Knowing he wouldn’t live long enough to see how far the boy would go. Knowing he would never see the boy stand against the best at the biggest stage. Not that he couldn’t of course… he just wouldn’t be alive to see it. 

“Of course Suga,” Hinata breathed out seeming to finally fall asleep

Suga stayed for a moment longer. Adjusting the mask still on Hinata as well as his blankets. Moving the water bottle closer to him for when he wakes. Gently resting a thumb on his forehead in a silent blessing before exiting the room to rejoin the others. 

—————————

  
  


They practiced without the third years after that. Not that Suga and the others didn’t go watch anyway. They had other things they were supposed to worry about. Like final exams and university things. Graduation. 

It was all right around the corner.

These were supposed to be what Suga was focused on if it had been any other time. 

But he chose not to fight fate

So instead he continued through his list. He skipped school one day simply to go back to Tokyo to do some extreme shopping. He visited a zoo. He spent a lot of time stargazing. He found himself giving maybe a bit too much advice to his underclassmen. Mainly to Kageyama as he knew his path was still rocky. He had already taken huge strides in himself being comfortable with his team. He may have also had to run away from the Vice Principal regarding the toupee again… but it really wasn’t his fault… entirely. 

But there was still so much to do

Suga has regular checks with the doctors as well. They had originally thought he would make it till the fall at least. However he was running himself to the ground. Not helping himself one bit. Trying to do everything possible. Not wanting any regrets when it was time. 

“Look, if you don’t relax and enjoy the time you have instead of pushing yourself like this you won’t make it to graduation which is just over a month away right? You still have to take care of yourself even if you chose this way to go.”

Suga quietly nodded at the doctor's words but the thoughts already left his brain by the time he walked back outside. He treated himself to a popsicle and small sugar coated cookie. 

However his body was showing the wear. 

It had really since it all started Suga just hadn’t really noticed it. When he did it was too late but still able to hide it. 

He was having issues getting out of bed in the morning. He remained pale and cold no matter the weather. His hands often shook and he found it hard to keep down food. He knew there were bruises scattered across him from various adventures that should not have bruised. His weight dropped with his appetite. 

At this point others were worried. They had noticed something. His classmates constantly offering this or that in hopes to get him to stop shaking or keep him from falling asleep in class. His teachers pulled him aside asking if all was right at home. He smiled explaining he was suffering from a lasting cold. He was wearing a mask most days now. That he did manage at least which probably delighted his parents and doctors. 

But it couldn’t stop his body from attack itself 

Not when it has been doing that for years 

He wasn’t really surprised when Takeda brought him back in. He knew Asahi had suggested the doctors a few times. He knew Noya and Ennoshita had both suggested he needed a vacation to a warm spot to help his health. Daichi did his best to make sure he ate and stayed warm. Bless his first years for constantly trying to keep his spirits up. Even Tsukishima had expressed some worry. 

“Suga… I just… it’s stupid to ask if you are alright because it’s certain you aren’t,” Takeda seemed to stumble through shifting his glass trying to find the right words

“I am sick sir but I have all the medicines. It’s just been stubborn. Sorry for worrying everyone but the doctors do say it’s not contagious I swear,” Suga smiled only remembering it was hidden by his mask

Takeda sighed resting his chin on his palm while studying Suga. 

“Why do I feel like there is more to it?”

Suga shrugged, matching Takeda’s gaze. He came this far without his teammates finding out. He had every intention of holding it so. They didn’t need to know. Not yet. He wasn’t ready to ruin their time. Not when they had so little left.

Takeda eventually sighs, waving Suga away with a note so he could return to class. He went to watch practice that afternoon but Takeda demanded he go home to sleep and rest. 

It was one of those days he didn’t fight it. 

He did just that

  
  


—————————

  
  


Final exams were right there. Less than a week away. Then graduation. After that Suga had essentially full freedom to continue his list of happiness. 

It was silly really he couldn’t help but think one morning. His list was small. There wasn’t anything big or special on it. No specific wish or desire. Just be happy everyday. 

For the most part he succeeded 

But days were getting hard. They were getting bad. He had worn himself down like the doctor had warned. Only helping his body destroy himself faster. 

He had found himself in his parents bed only two nights ago after spending two hours hovering over the toilet vomiting basically nothing. He wandered there weakly and felt defeated. Awkwardly entering not really wanting to wake them but needing some form of comfort. 

They woke the moment the door wedged open. They were not normally light sleepers so Suga felt more guilt set heavy on his heart. He hesitated as they asked what was wrong. Eventually caving and crawling in bed between them. His father rubbing his back and his mother stroking his face. He latched into the soft moment letting it be his happy moment for the night as he drifted to sleep. 

Then there were days like today. He just couldn’t get out of bed. No matter how hard he willed and begged his body to get up it was just too weak from the adventures the day before. He had visited the shrine with the other third years in prep for their exams. Then stayed up a bit too late at Daichi’s and took too long to go home. 

So he went back to bed. He knew his parents would contact the school to explain he was ill and would miss the day. A call they have been getting a lot recently. In Suga’s defense prior he never had an issue missing school. Only for volleyball. So he decided it was ok. 

He eventually woke up again sometime after lunch. A note from his parents saying have fun and stay safe while they are gone. He had done his best to keep his parents' memory of him good as well. He knew they were watching the hardest parts. The days when he couldn’t hide the pain and he struggled to do simple things. 

He made sure he could make them laugh at least once a day. If he could cook them dinner on days he beat them home. Family game nights or movie nights often with them together under blankets on the couch. 

He knew his earlier demands were selfish. He knew it was hard on his parents. He knew all of this but he was still convinced this was the best way. This way he wasn’t leaving them with a heavy bill to pay that only delayed his death. He wasn’t leaving them memories of pills and injections and stuck to tubs. No nights in the hospital. 

Just happy memories

Why was it so hard just wanting happy memories?

Suga groaned, pushing heavy thoughts from his mind. He would deal with them at a later day. That’s what he kept saying. Deal with the bad stuff later. Not today. 

He looked down at his list. It was just past lunch so what could he do today that made someone happy. That made him happy. 

He hummed tapping his phone. There were a few messages of course asking where he was. Sending quick replies he wasn’t feeling well today but would be back tomorrow. He sighed looking down at his list again. 

Nothing seemed to fit today. Maybe a walk would change his mind. 

Suga bundled up in a sweater and jacket. Adding a scarf and gloves despite the fact the weather was definitely starting to warm up. It didn’t matter that he was still cold. He couldn’t help it. 

He used to love the cold. Watching his breath dance in front of him as he talked. He loved the way snowflakes would hide in his hair. The small snowball fights he would start with the team. 

He had a photo from one afternoon where they left practice early as the snow came heavy. He was one of the first ones out of the room taking in a deep breath of the cold before putting his mask on. It felt good despite the fact he was already freezing. 

He let his fingers run across the snow on the railing noting how easily it stuck and balled together. He skipped down the stairs and set to work as Asahi and Noya headed down the stairs as well. 

“Suga what on Earth are you doing?” Noya asked watching the silver haired boy roll the snow around

Suga held you a finger as he made two more smaller ones stacking them atop making a mini snowman that didn’t even make it to his knees. 

“Aw it’s cute,” Yamaguchi said as he joined them

“We should make a big one together!” Hinata said slipping in the stairs slightly only to be caught by Ennoshita 

“You have a whole mountain to cross you idiot,” Kageyama mentioned 

“Nothing new! Come on!” Hinata said grabbing Suga’s hand pulling him to a new spot

The pair giggled slightly and set to work. Noya shouted something about working on the head. Yamaguchi convinced Tsukishima to help with the middle. The others either joined or watched in amusement. 

Ten minutes later a slightly childish looking snowman that stood at Suga’s height was erected. A sloppy grin and eyes Kageyama had made for it and some arms Asahi had grabbed from a tree nearby. Daichi picked up the smaller snowman carefully, setting it right in front of the tall one. 

“There tiny family,” Suga commented looking at their work 

“Not bad considering someone tried to set the head.”

“How else were we going to put it on top?”

“Tsukki is tall enough.”

“That’s not as fun.”

Suga pulled out his phone from his pocket and stripped his gloves. 

“Guys do me a favor and stand next to them!”

A few went to make a comment but he simply blinked his eyes slightly giving a small puppy dog look. Few minutes later he had his photo that was still his screensaver. 

The snow was gone now. A taste of spring around the corner. Soon the cherry blossoms would bloom. They could be even prettier than the snow. At least this year it seemed like they would be. 

Suga got back a bit later than he intended to. His parents’ car was in the drive. He opened the door shrugging off his coat and swapping his shoes singing a hello. He paused slightly noting an extra pair of shoes. They must have company. 

He heard his mother call for him in the kitchen. He had hoped to cook for them tonight but they may have beat him to it. 

He blew air into his hands and rubbed them just as he entered the kitchen. He looked up to greet the visitor only to tilt his head and raise an eyebrow. 

“Daichi?”

“Sawamura came to drop off your school work and check on you,” his mother smiled over her mug

“Oh thank you! Sorry for causing any issues,” Suga said joining them at the counter

His father also nursing a mug, the look on his face slightly distant. His mother nudged his father letting her eyes dart to the living room then back. His father gave a small nod fully standing. 

“We will let you two talk a moment. In case there are any homework questions. Oh and please stay for dinner Sawamura! I won’t take no for an answer!” 

Suga tilted his head at his mother who gave him a small smile before leaving the room. He focused back on Daichi who held out a fresh mug for him. Warm tea already swirling inside ready to drink. 

“Oh thank you Daichi. Sorry for worrying you. Just been under the weather you know. It’s been stubborn.”

“You’ve said that a lot lately.”

Suga froze slightly at Daichi’s tone. It was different. Not the usual warmth wrapped in it but not the angry tone he uses either. He couldn’t really pinpoint it. In all the years he knew him he never heard this tone before. 

“Yeah. We changed the medicine again. Hopefully this round nips it in the butt,” Suga tried to recover

“Are you sure it’s not something more… like… are you sure the doctors are right. That it’s just a cold,” Daichi almost seemed to whisper 

Suga was already cold. Now he felt like absolute ice. Did he know? Did he find out? Did his parents say something? 

Suga rested his mug beside him leaning back against the counter, his hands holding him up slightly. Looking more at the floor instead of Daichi. He crossed his ankles staring at them instead. Trying to think. 

He watched Daichi’s feet shift slightly more in front of him. Uneasy from the failure to answer. He needed to think of something. 

But he was also so sick of lying

So sick of not having people to go to when he was down

But he just wanted to keep them all happy 

“I think the cherry blossoms are going to be extra pretty this year don’t you think?” Suga fully resting his back on the counter now reaching for his mug again bringing it to his lips 

Daichi looked obviously confused. 

“Um that didn’t answer me Suga.”

Suga set his mug down again. Pushing off lightly, taking a few steps to Daichi. Placing an arm on one side. Daichi only had an inch on him. So he didn’t really have to look up but it was easy to meet his gaze. 

He knew up close he probably looked worse. The paleness of the skin was beginning to get a yellow tint. The heavy shadows under his eyes. Chapped lips and skin normally smooth no longer as pretty as it used to be. 

“When the season changes I promise it will help. I’m just not handling things well.”

“What can we do to help? What can I do to make this easier for you?”

Suga could see a glint in Daichi’s eye. The over protectiveness. The hint of what could have also been if Suga hadn’t been so focused on his happiness list. Instead letting the girls from the volleyball team fawn over him instead of being his normal flirting self. 

He and Daichi have always been like that. Not really together but always on the verge. Just waiting for one to tip over the edge and cave. Suga really thought it would happen before graduation. Then he got sick. He faced reality quickly in the fact he didn’t want to break Daichi’s heart. So he stopped with the flirting. He let the girls team take it over. Leaving Daichi in an awkward mess still much to Suga’s satisfaction. Daichi was always a bit awkward when someone flirts with him. It was amusing to watch him stumble through it. 

“I just want to be happy Daichi and I want to see everyone else happy. I don’t want everyone to worry because I’m sick. Like I said the cherry blossoms are going to be good this year. A good sign. New life. New health. Just keep with me till then,” Suga rested a hand on Daichi’s forearm waiting for the answer

It felt like ages before Daichi finally sighed and nodded slightly. Rubbing a free hand down his face like it was whipping away all the worry he had been holding. Suga tucked himself slightly under Daichi’s chin, stealing a hug. Feeling relief as Daichi gently returned it. 

“Alright let’s see what’s for dinner,” Suga clapped his hands together as they pulled away opening the fridge to hunt a bit

They all ended up cooking together laughing and chatting just like any normal day. Suga felt his heart warm watching everyone dance around him carrying this or cutting that as he manned the stove. 

This could be his happy thing for the day

Daichi stayed after joining Suga upstairs to walk him through any questions on the homework. He knew he meant well with the exams right around the corner but Suga couldn’t help but feel like it was such a waste. 

Suga groaned, collapsing onto his mattress. Pressing his palms to his eyes as the constant headache seemed to be at max pain. No medicine was enough to ease it down. 

“Just stay the night Daichi. It’s too late to walk back,” Suga grumbled hearing a bag zip

He heard a sigh then felt Daichi flop over on the bed besides him. They were quiet for a moment before Suga felt his nose being flicked slightly. 

“Come on then. Don’t fall asleep like this. Change and then we sleep.”

Another groan but Suga sat up and did his nightly things. Changed, took his pills, brushed his teeth, stared in the mirror, and wondered when in the hell his hair started losing its fluffiness. Just the basics. 

As Daichi took his turn in the bathroom Suga set up for him. Pulling an extra pillow because yes he personally needed all four of his pillows just for him. Daichi only likes using one. He made sure his heated blanket didn’t interfere and make things too hot. He also pulled out another spare blanket Incase he did start hogging the blankets leaving Daichi without. That’s happened before apparently but Suga refuses to believe that’s true. 

By the time Daichi came back Suga was burrowing in his pile of warmth and hoped he left Daichi’s side like a normal human. Daichi chuckled seeing Suga’s face poking out of his burrito blanket watching as the lights went out and the bed shifted signaling that Daichi had joined him. 

Sure they could have pulled out the futon. They often did when Asahi joined over. When it was just the two of them however it had only ever been offered the first time and it was never used. 

Despite already being exhausted from his walk then helping with dinner, Suga felt like he just needed to tease Daichi a bit more before he went to sleep. 

Carefully sneaking a foot from his blankets he lightly searched for Daichi’s legs quickly placing his cold feet against his thighs. Daichi yelps yanking his legs away. 

“Suga wear socks! You are like ice!”

Suga giggled snuggling deeper into his blankets. 

Daichi huffed, flopping over to his side facing Suga. He peeled the layers in search of the body cocooned in warmth. Suga whined slightly as the air hit him. Daichi scooted closer, blocking the hole he created. Bringing Suga closer to him wrapping him in his arms. Suga quickly leeches on to him burying himself in Daichi’s chest. 

“You are going to get too hot under all these,” Suga muttered warning a hum from Daichi

“It’s ok. Maybe this will stop you from snoring,” Daichi smirked earning a glare from Suga

Their breaths slowed slightly despite their heart rates moving a bit more frantically than before but beating in sync with the one in the other chest. 

“We graduated soon,” Daichi muttered earning a small nod from Suga

“What are you doing first on your adventure break I guess you are calling it?” 

Suga hummed, pulling his face from Daichi’s chest. He looked up noting Daichi kept his eyes closed. 

“Maybe Italy.”

“Italy?” 

“Yeah. It’s supposed to be pretty and fun. The boats look fun.”

“I don’t think they are called boats there.”

Suga hummed snuggling close again. 

“Where else are you think?” Daichi whispered 

“I want to see the pretty places where it snows. Like the places with the hot springs you can lay in and yet still be surrounded by the snow around you. “

“You’ve always really liked snow.”

“Maybe places like Machu Picchu. Oh there are these salt flats that I just want to like stand in the middle of and look out on. I don’t really want to go to any big cities but maybe a few just to see cool buildings and stuff.”

“Big cities all all the same anyway,” Daichi muttered 

“Seems like it because we are so far from it all,” Suga’s fingers digging into Daichi’s shirt a bit 

He felt something small in him collapse. Like the tiny wall he had built around his fear finally crumbled enough to speak. He had been so good for it all. Building it up and pretending it wasn’t there. 

But soft moments like this when it seemed he had forever… this were the ones that seemed to break him 

“I’m scared.”

Suga honestly wasn’t sure if Daichi even heard him. He hardly breathed the words. The sort of drifted from his mouth like a hidden sigh. 

He kind of hoped he didn’t hear him

“Of traveling?”

_ No of dying _

“Of being alone.”

_ Close enough _

Suga felt Daichi tighten his arms around him like it would protect him from everything around him. 

It couldn’t stop the war inside his body however 

“You're never alone Koushi. You know one of us is only a call away and I’m not going to lie, some of those places sound fun… if you wait while on breaks… I wouldn’t mind joining you.”

_ Not what I mean not what I mean at all _

“Thank you Daichi,” Suga whispered letting the warmth suck him down

The pair eventually drift to sleep just as they lay. 

  
  


—————————

  
  


Exams pass and Suga does as he planned. He passes. Nothing spectacular much to the confusion of some of his teachers but he gets to graduate nonetheless. 

He dressed that day in his cap and gown. He could hear his parents crying as he entered but with smiles in their faces. 

It was a good day

It felt like a good day too. He didn’t struggle as much to get out of bed. He managed to eat most of his food. His parents were thrilled he had made it to graduation and were acting like a mini paparazzi. 

It was a good day

After the ceremony they had dinner at the place nearby. Suga has invited the whole volleyball team to join. So they feasted and celebrated. Savoring the moments. Saying goodbye to the younger ones. Giving final words of advice. 

“We should play one more game!”

Suga turned to Daichi in surprise. He hadn’t exactly expected it to come from him. Honestly he was hoping to suggest it himself. 

The parents already bowed out early wanting to upload photos before they prepared for work in the morning. 

And that’s how they ended up on the court one final time. Giggling at any missed opportunity instead of feeling down. Any weird point scored was awarded by heavy laughter. 

Just fun

Volleyball was fun 

Even if every set and pass seemed to drain him faster than ever before, Suga was having fun. 

He loved today

He graduate 

He was playing volleyball 

He’s had a good day

His crows were happy

Everything would be ok

Fate just likes to interrupt sometimes

They laid on the floor panting, occasionally giggling as something useless would roll across their minds. Coated in sweat which was now transferring to the floor. The only ones still trying to coax another round were Hinata and Noya. The others couldn’t even peel themselves off the ground at this point. 

Well Suga definitely couldn’t at least

“I think we overdid it,” Asahi finally croaking sitting up only to groan and lay back down 

“Agreed,” Daichi sighed picking his head off the floor to check on Suga

Suga may have been absolutely exhausted and on the verge of just sinking into the floor but he had the biggest smile on his face. It was enough to put him at ease. 

“Give us ten minutes and we will see if coach still has something sweet for us at his shop?” Suga suggested

“You’re hungry already?” Tanaka joked

“Not really just sounds good.”

The others hummed in agreement. With a slight struggle they managed to catch the attention of the youngers and started cleaning. Suga feeling a bit lightheaded after all the work. 

But it would be ok

Today was a good day 

They all bundled up and began their walk to the shop. Chatting and giggling just like any other evening. The sun slowly sinking creating a final masterpiece in the sky as it said goodbye for the day. 

Coach Ukai glares as they entered, telling them to go home. Suga gave a small pout and Coach eventually caved, letting them wander in the store. 

“What were you all doing anyway? Graduation was hours ago?”

“We played some volleyball after the dinner party!” Hinata looked slightly guilty as he walked past the counter

“I told you idiots to take it easy.”

Daichi laughed slightly and Suga leaned on his shoulder looking over. Daichi glances over at him slightly with a smile. 

“What are you getting?”

“Something sweet”

“You already said that,” Daichi pointed out, “Be more specific.”

“Maybe… sweet drink,” Suga said moving off of Daichi and heading toward the side of the store

His feet wavered slightly in their placement. A slight dizzy feeling overcame him for all of a second before lightening again. He just must have moved too fast. 

The group slowly exited the shop with their snacks in hand. Taking hostage on one of the street lamps and bike racks just outside of the shop. Leaning against it as they finished off their snacks with gusto. 

“Slow down you are going to get sick,” Ennoshita scolded Tanka and Noya earning an eye roll from Suga

He was taking the new mother roll a bit too seriously but he would learn

Suga sat back against the bike rack besides Daichi popping a straw into his drink slowly sipping the sticky sweetness. He let his head slump against Daichi’s shoulder as he watched Kageyama and Hinata argue over something silly per normal.

This was nice. All of them together just relaxing. Being kids one final time. So much had happened to them this year and watching them grow was so satisfying. Suga felt his heart stutter realizing he wouldn’t get to see them peak. He wouldn’t get to finish seeing them grow.

“I’m going to miss this,” Suga whispered under his breath to Daichi who was watching the whole thing as well

“I’m sure we will still be dealing with them next year too. They are going to need our cheering at Nationals after all,” Daichi said rubbing Suga’s arm slightly before resting the hand on his shoulder

“Yeah of course,” Suga felt distant at his own words

Such lies he’s been telling

He was grateful that Daichi didn’t question him leaning against him because every once in a while he could feel his world spin a bit. Not uncommon exactly but he was confused. He wasn’t moving really. Typically it happened when he overdid it. Did he over do it and it’s just not coming down? Had today simply been too much? It had felt like a good day… was he wrong?

His hands felt clammy as he sucked down the final bits of his drink. His thoughts in and out of focus as he closed his eyes trying to collect himself privately. His heart doing that stupid thing where is went too fast but his body reacted to slow for it. His head heavy and body cold as his world spun again only picking up pace.

“Dai… if I pass out don’t panic,” Suga muttered as quietly as possible

“What?”

He couldn’t read the concern in Daichi’s voice. He couldn’t have seen Daichi’s face even if he opened his eyes. His vision had already gone blank. He fully slumped against Daichi, unable to physically hold himself up any longer. He couldn’t hear what happened around him anymore.

Guess it wasn’t a good day after all

  
  


—————————

Suga felt stiff as his brain finally came back around. He stretched his toes and fingers first. Then rolled his ankles and gently stretched out his back without having to sit up. He always felt like a cat when he stretched that way as his forced his head down and his arms out slightly.

He pulled back and winced feeling things tug at his arms. He finally blinked himself to the surface only to quickly shut his eyes again as he was blinded by the light. He cursed to himself as he could hear the quick but steady beat of his heart being broadcasted to the room.

He was in the hospital

He licked his lips only to part his lips and smack them awkwardly in realization of the dryness. The blankness of the room seemed to bare down on him. The loneliness is suffocating and cold. 

He hated it here just coming to take tests. He hated it more the nights he had to stay. He wasn’t looking forward to being stuck here permanently. He wasn’t mentally ready for it.

The door slid back a bit and a faired haired nurse poked her head in.

“Well hello Koushi. Looks like you overdid it again,” She spoke softly as she fully entered

“Yui, as much as I would love to say it’s nice to see you again it really isn't.”

She laughed softly and Suga winced at the roughness of his voice. She began her work checking his vitals and making small notes here and there.

“What exactly happened?” Suga asked sitting up slightly his arms shaking at the effort

He really was as weak as he could be at the moment

He noted the way Yui tapped her clipboard at the end of his bed. Biting her lip softly as if hesitant to reveal his mistake.

“You were with your friends outside a shop. You all had just graduated then played some volleyball. You overdid it and sorta just kept on I guess. When you were outside of the shop you passed out. When you got into the ambulance you had a seizure. Your coach drove some of your teammates to the hospital but obviously we couldn’t tell them much. Your parents arrived recently and are being filled in as well. You have a lot of people waiting for you in the waiting room.”

Suga groaned letting his head rock back into the pillow. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. They weren’t supposed to see anything. They weren’t supposed to panic or fear. He had just wanted them to be happy. 

How hard was that?

“How bad is it this time? I feel.. ok just… tired… so damn tired,” Suga closed his eyes feeling Yui gently patted his leg

“The doctor will speak to you shortly. We have some tests to do like normal…”   
  


“There is a but there isn’t there,” Suga opened his eyes noting Yui wouldn’t look at him directly

She only shared a small smile before leaving the room

Suga knew then. The gig was up. He wouldn’t be able to hide much longer. Likely his end was near. 

Suga felt the crushing panic set in. His lungs wanted to fold in on themselves. His heart is already weak from the speed it's been beating trying to keep him alive. Tears finally let themselves fall littering his face as they carved a path down to his collarbone.

He was terrified. He couldn’t control any or it. He was going to die. Something he accepted so long ago it feels like. Now that the time was finally getting close the absolute fact of the unknown was hovering above him. Breathing down it absent void sucking small details of Suga himself until it could claim him whole. 

He couldn’t let them see him like this. He needed to stay happy for them. He needed to make sure everything was ok for when he left. They needed to be ok. They needed to be happy.

Suga managed to collect himself, shutting down his fears letting them hide away for the time being. He could suffer through them later. When the others were not just a few rooms away.

The doctor eventually came in. Scolding him lightly for over doing it again before walking him through the test they would be doing. His parents joined in quickly by his side. Their faces seemed clear of tears which relaxed Suga immensely. They did the quick stuff. The basics of blood and said they would be back for the scans later. His parents nodded to the team that left before turning to Suga.

“Your friends and coaches are still in the room waiting for us to come back with news.”

“Are they all there?”

His parents nodded slowly

Suga bit down on the inside of his cheek. The tangy taste of copper flooded his senses making him release the bite. 

“We think it is time to tell them Suga. They deserve to know…”

He couldn’t do that to them… he couldn’t ruin their day even more

“Can they come in?”   
  


“Probably not all at once.”

“Ask Yui. If not send them in by year. First years, then second, and third. I can talk to the coaches last.”

Suga rubbed his hands across his face. Hoping all traces of what was were finally gone. 

His parents shared a look before nodding. His mother pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before walking out. Suga pressed his palms to his eyes thinking fast.

What does he say? What does he say? What can he say?

There was a soft knock and Suga sang a come in. No actual answer to his problem. Yamaguchi poked his head around the door. Locking sight onto Suga giving a small smile.

Suga couldn’t help what he looked like to them at the moment. Likely pale and weaker. The bruises under his eyes probably more prominent with the all white around him. Wires tied to him making sure he was still alive even if in the end it was a stupid fight. He was a deadman walking anyway. 

“You don’t have to hide you know,” Suga teased as the first years slowly creeped into the room

Yachi was the first to break through surprisingly moving toward the bed gently laying a hand on his arm.

“Suga… we knew you haven’t been feeling well… but we didn’t think it was bad enough for you to faint. You said it was a stubborn cold,” Her voice a bit higher than normal

Suga hummed opening his arms for her to crawl in the bed besides him carefully tucking herself in a safe spot. Yamaguchi taking the other side. Hinata carefully sits close by looking straight at Suga. Tsukishima and Kagyama on opposite sides of the foot of the be. 

“They said we only have fifteen minutes before visiting hours ends,” Yamaguichi said from his spot

Suga felt his heart clench. He couldn’t do this to them like this. Not in fifteen minutes. Not like this. That’s so cruel.

“I didn’t mean to scare you guys. I’m sorry. I overdid things I guess. Pushed myself a bit too much,” Suga offered

Hinata hummed nodding slightly, “Yeah that doesn’t feel good when that happens.”

Suga gave a sad smile. Of course Hinata knew. He had overdid it at Nationals. He understood what it was like to have his body fail him like that. 

“What have they said? Do you know yet?” 

Ah Tsukishima straight to the point 

Suga shook his head slightly, “They are going to run more tests. I’ve just been sick, you know that. It has been stubborn. Not wanting to let me get better or catch my breath for a while.”

“And they are sure it’s just a cold? Sorry if that is rude, it's just… it's been harming you for a while now. Right?” 

Oh Kageyama bless your observations skills

“This is the same group that’s been dealing with it from the start. They know how stubborn it has been. I really think just warm weather will really start helping you know. This lingering winter hasn’t been helping.”

Kageyama seemed to turn a bit red as he nodded and looked away. Suga did his best to hide his amusement. The boy still hadn’t fully figured out how to show his feelings.

“But hey I really am sorry for scaring you. They will get things figured out and before you know it I will be doing all my adventures I planned on before college.”

“Like beach volleyball and Italy?” Hinata said with such bright innocent eyes

Suga giggled, “I’m sure Rio is fun in the summer as well!”

The group talked softly for a few more minutes before there was a new knock on the door. Ennoshita poking his head in with a slight worry on his face.

“Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. We had a timer is all.”

“No your fine! Come on I will see you all later ok,” Suga opened his arms in demand of hugs from his first years even if two were slightly awkward about it

The second years filing in and Suga felt his anxiety spike again about having to share more lies.

But he was in too deep at this point. He couldn’t ruin them. He couldn't take away a good day for them. He wanted them to be happy. 

“Suga you feeling better?” Noya asked not bothering to lower his tone despite Narita

Suga smiled and shrugged slightly

“I overdid it I guess. I was feeling better than I had in awhile and forgot I was still healing. I guess I should take my own advice instead of just instructing HInata,” Suga chuckled

“Yeah you need to rest Suga. Take care of yourself so you can go on that grand adventure you are setting up,” Kinoshita said from his edge of the bed

“Yeah you kinda gave Asahi a heart attack. I thought he was about to pass out next,” Tanaka said shaking his head slightly

“Oh it’s not like there was blood for him to see,” Suga teased earning laughter from the group

“I still think Daichi was the one who panicked the most,” Ennoshita joked from his spot besides Suga

“Heck I warned him! I said don’t freak out but I think I might faint.”

“You are lucky he caught you. He was still kinda shocked,” Tanaka added

“I feel bad about scaring you all. I really was having a great day and just overdid it. They are going to run some tests and such but likely it's the same stupid cold I haven’t been able to shake.”

“Good news it that warm weather is almost here,” Kinoshita added looking outside to the dark

“Hopefully it will hurry up,” Narita commented as another knock echoed on the door

The group stood giving quick hugs and saying a goodbye letting the third years enter behind them.

Suga felt a bit better with the mood the second years had left him in. They were cheery. They had been worried but were delighted that Suga seemed alright enough to joke with them. 

The mood the third years brought in was a very different one. It matched closer to what the first years had brought in. More nervous and heavy with worry. Kiyoko settled near his knees resting a hand on one. Asahi and his bundle of nerves at the foot of the bed seem afraid to come closer. Daichi also kept his distance with a heavy sense of panic and worry in his eyes.

“I’m sorry for scaring you. I overdid it. I was having a good day and forgot that I was still working on getting better,” Suga spoke softly to his friends

“Suga you just… collapsed. If Daichi hadn’t caught you…” Asahi looked over at Daichi who seemed to trying to keep a straight face but there was so much worry hidden in the eyes it was hard to ignore

“I’m sorry. I started feeling a bit dizzy at the store which is why I grabbed something sweet hoping it would help. I didn’t actually think I was going to faint until right before it happened.”

“What have the doctors said?” Kiyoko asked

“They are running some of the bloodwork now and will test more from there. They think the same thing though. I just overdid it. I forgot I’m still healing.”

The lies felt so dirty and heavy on his tongue. Just so disgusting. He resisted the urge to throw up in the bin next to the bed.

“Suga…” Daichi rubbed his hands across his face seeming unsure where to take the next words

Suga hesitated gently offering his hand out to Daichi. Daichi looked down at the hand hesitating before gently accepting it. Suga sat up a bit more gently pulling Daichi closer to him while keeping eyes on the others.

“I’m sorry. I know I messed up. I need to do better but I really didn’t mean to pass out on you like that. I really didn’t mean to scare you. I technically have a lot of nothing to do for a while now that we graduated though. Hopefully that helps. Plus warm weather is right around the corner,” Suga squeezed Daichi’s hand and gave a smile to Kiyoko and Asahi

“We need you better. Ok Suga. Please take care of yourself so you can come back to us,” Kiyoko whispered giving a gentle squeeze just below his knee

“You’ve got an adventure waiting for you after all,” Daichi finally said running a hand through Suga’s mess of hair at the moment

Suga smiled gently up at Daichi. His stupid heart doing that little squeeze thing it does when Daichi gives him a soft smile. 

There was a final knock on the door. Daichi released Suga’s hand as Ashai and Kiyoko stood for quick hugs promising to be back. They opened the door and Suga looked back up at Daichi who hadn’t moved from his side. Daichi reached in for his hug. Lingering a bit longer than any of the others had.

“I need you to get better Suga. You said the cherry blossoms are supposed to be pretty this year. You gotta see them with me.”

Suga wanted to cry. He nodded into Daichi’s chest trying to hold it together for a little bit longer. Daichi pulled back slightly before pressing his lips to the top of Suga’s head. Reaching down and giving his hand a final squeeze and a final smile before joining the others.

Suga let out a shaky sigh just as both Ukai and Takeda entered. 

“You gave us a scare,” Ukai started as he closed the door behind them

“So I’ve heard,” Suga muttered, “Sorry for sending everyone into a panic.”

“I think the real question is are you alright?” Takeda asked taking the chair near Suga

Suga shrugged slightly, “I think it's obvious that I’ve been better but I will be alright.”

“And that is what we need to talk about kid,” Ukai said with a slight huff, “You didn’t tell any of them did you?”

“Tell them what?” Suga felt his heart panic slightly 

Ukai tapped the board at the foot of his bed

“I was in the shop when it happened. They had already called the ambulance. Ennoshita rushed in telling me what was happening. We made sure they took care of you when you got in. We almost sent me in with you but I figured it was smarter taking some in my car because you know how they would be. When we arrived Daichi realized he still had your bag and that it would be important to give it to them because the meds you have been taking. They would need to know if they didn’t already.”

“So you know then,” Suga whispered looking away

He could put the pieces together himself. LIkely them offering the meds and them probably saying thank you but Suga was already in the system. He was a frequent flyer after all.

“That cute nurse of yours was surprised to see all of us there. She seemed a bit more surprised that we didn’t exactly know what was going on. She did good though. Didn’t really let anything slip. But the meds, the symptoms, and a small talk with your parents I think i have an idea,” Ukai finished

“How long?” Takeda asked with such softness as if the words themselves would be enough to break Suga

“Originally they thought around fall. Then they changed it saying probably close to the start of summer.”

“What exactly is it?” Takeda asked taking a steadying breath

Suga dipped into his scientific mode. Bouncing off the words that had been read to him over and over. The words he could see in his sleep.The symptoms, the timeline, the treatment plan, why he rejected everything, why he chose what he did, why he did his damned best to just stay silent about it, and how he just didn’t want to be the cause of pain.

“All this time you’ve been suffering alone,” Ukai said at the foot of the bed

Takeda silently cleared tears from his face. Adjusting his glasses trying to keep a brave face for the sick boy in front of him.

“My parents knew obviously. It was just,” Suga’s hands tightened around his covers, “I didn’t want to taint my memory. I just wanted the others to enjoy the year and not worry. I didn’t want to be a burden. My only wish was for everyone to be happy. For my final memories to be happy and not stuck in this stupid bed.”

The coaches were silent for a while looking at each other. Suga wondered why no one had knocked on the door yet. Surely they were past their limit? They said they only had fifteen minutes to say goodbye right? 

“So what now?” Takeda asked, “Do they just find out… when it's too late? Isn’t that even worse?”

Suga let his gaze go out the window. The moon finally made its appearance at the end of the long day. Hardly a sliver in the sky tonight. 

“Maybe maybe not. At least their memory won't be filled with sadness, fear, and pity. Hopefully they will remember the year they got to Nationals and the adventure I was going to take after. I just want them to be happy.”

  
  


—————————

  
  


The news from the doctor wasn’t good. Suga knew it before they actually told him. 

He was asleep again likely before Takeda and Ukai even left. When he did come to he was seriously out of it. The room was different. He was in a different wing. The set up is more comfy at the glance. Well for a hospital that was. 

The thing was Suga had been struggling way more then he had let on. Sure there had been days he just couldn’t hide it. The days he was trapped in bed all day. The hours spent throwing up over a toilet bowl. The difficulty breathing. 

He had been glad when volleyball ended because he physically couldn’t keep up anymore. Even a lap around the court had left him exhausted. So yeah playing volleyball on graduation day was a horrible idea… but in his defense he was having a good day. He ate and held down the food which was rare. He had slept peacefully prior. Sure his lungs still felt like they were going to burst but that wasn’t a thought at the time. 

So when he woke up realizing all the drops of happiness had finally faded. All the motivation to go another day seemed distant. That his body and brain had finally collected on the same page. 

He knew they wouldn’t have good news

“You ruined yourself you know. Even without the medicine you could have gone a few more months. I’m sorry to say… you are here for now,” His doctor sighed slightly giving Suga a look

Suga kept his eyes on the window where the sun was hazily making its way through the sky. He knew the doctor had warned him. He knew he ignored what they requested. He had done it to himself after all. 

“It was still worth it to see them happy though,” Suga whispered not taking his eyes off the window

  
  


—————————

  
  


His teammates would visit of course. Occasionally one or two popping by for a quick ten minutes here or there. Suga finding it harder and harder to keep a pretty face for them. Often telling them he was exhausted and needed sleep. 

Most times he was asleep when someone came by. 

But the worst moments were those in the early hours of morning. When the nurses would be coming around in a few hours but his parents were still asleep. Often taking turns who stayed the night on the couch. 

During those moments it was just him and the moon. Suffocating in silence and darkness. 

Was this what death would be like? Was this his forever?

The doctors had been kind enough to tell him and his parents what to expect as the time gets near. The exhaustion, loss of interest, unable to talk, eat or drink, weakness, etc etc. likely he would get sick from something in the hospital. That would take him sooner. His chance higher seeing he had run himself ragged weakening himself even more. 

All these things had already been happening for a while. When his parents asked about the good day he had the doctors also explained that unfortunately that was normal too. Having an extremely good day that gives everyone hope before suddenly crashing back to reality. 

He wasn’t supposed to hear this part though. They had thought he was still sleeping. 

But he knew… he knew it was almost time. 

And it was terrifying him

If he had the energy to dream he’s sure he would. The things that haunted him. His worries. He was already in pain. The medicine only does so much to ease him. What would it be like to just…

No longer exist

The more he was stuck thinking about it alone in that damned room the more it consumed him. Dragging him down. Ruining his brain like his body hadn’t already been doing it as well. 

He could feel himself slipping mentally. The last bit of his own happiness and chaotic good slipping away. Leaving more like a shell in its place. 

He was ready for the pain to end 

He just wasn’t ready for what would happen when it did end

  
  


—————————

  
  


Suga managed to catch some small cold that's going around the city. It put the final prices into overdrive. More meds to ease the pain. More tubs. More beeps in his room. More pathetic sorry glances his way as he could hardly move at this point to look away from them. 

He was ready 

So why was he still here?

Suga was stuck looking out the window most the day. Ignoring his parents and the nurses that checked on him. He didn’t have the energy to say anything. Instead he watched the sun rise and etch a path across the sky. The end of the day leaving a rainbow of colors in the sky for him to admire. 

A small knock could be heard from the door. He didn’t have the energy to respond even if he wanted to. He did manage to turn his head and look to it. 

He hoped it wasn’t a teammate or classmate. When he caught the cold his parents had told them to ease off just in case. He was thankful they wouldn’t have to see him like this. He was thankful they wouldn’t have to know how much he suffered in the end. How ready he was for it all to end. 

His heart slow and weak according to the monitor. Just as it had been for the past several days. It was done fighting but the moment a head peaked through the door his heart did that weak little flutter and squeezed as it always at the sight of Daichi. 

“Hey.”

Suga managed a small smile and squeaked a hey in return. Daichi carefully entered the room as if one wrong step would shatter the illusion. Yui pokes her head as Daichi approaches the bed. 

“Hey, just remember fifteen minutes. Then visiting hours end.”

“I’ll be quick,” Daichi nodded to her as she closed the door

Daichi settles near Suga’s side in a chair. Setting down his bag he had with him. There was a sad soft look on his face as he looked at Suga from the corner of his eye. It wasn’t hard to see at this point his friend wasn’t getting any better. He was struggling. He was struggling to breath, to concentrate on his movements, to stay awake, and he just looked miserable. 

Daichi hadn’t really said anything to the other players yet. Most had been visiting steadily at first but obviously practice and school break was keeping them busy. From what Suga’s parents had mentioned too he knew Suga was really trying not to stress out the younger players. 

But it was breaking Daichi’s heart

Secretly he had visited every day. Even if for five minutes. Suga was often asleep or too out of it to really notice. He had hope at first that it was as Suga said, a stubborn cold nothing more. The more he visited the more he could tell it wasn’t that. 

Suga’s parents hadn’t told him exactly what it was nor had any of the nurses he often ran into. He had connected enough to dots though. The section of the hospital Suga was in, the other patients on the floor, how his friend seemed to slowly fade each time he saw him. 

He knew it wasn’t good. Whatever it was. Suga wouldn’t be better for the cherry blossoms. Daichi was starting to fear he may not get better. That fear sent his mind into a panic every time. 

“I brought you something,” Daichi said pulling out a cloth from his pocket 

Slowly he unwrapped the cloth and laid it out on Suga’s lap. The cloth contained a small cherry blossom bud. He had picked one on his way to the hospital. Puffy and white the buds were about four days away from a full bloom. He knew if someone saw him pick it he would have been scolded but he just wanted to bring Suga something. 

Maybe some type of hope

“They are almost ready to bloom,” Suga’s hoarse voice could hardly be heard through the room

He gently reached out and stroked the bud. There was such a faint look in his eye that Daichi couldn’t remember what it normally held. What did it look like when it was fully present? He couldn’t remember. 

“I know you said they would be extra pretty this year. So I figured I would let you know they are almost ready. Even though I know you really love the snow a bit more,” Daichi tried to tease lightly and Suga granted him with a small smile

“I love the snow but yeah I think the blooms will be pretty this year.”

Daichi’s heart warmed slightly as Suga gently cupped the bud. 

“I’ll take you to see them when they bloom.”

Suga gave another small smile and nodded blinking slowly and looking out the window noting the sun again leaving the sky. 

“I’ve gotta go. They will probably kick me out in a few minutes,” Daichi rose placing a gentle hand on Suga’s shoulder 

Suga slowly reached for Daichi’s sweater, clutching it with what little strength he had left. 

“Stay a bit longer,” Suga gently pulled the sweater closer to him

Daichi took it as a sign to sit besides Suga on the bed and did so as carefully as possible. He leaned back next to Suga despite the fact the bed really wasn’t meant for two. Suga let out a small sigh and rested his head against Daichi’s shoulder. His fingers still attached to Daichi’s sweater. 

They laid in silence as Daichi gently stroked Suga’s wrist. The bud still resting gently in Suga’s palm. 

“Dai… I’m scared.”

The words broke through fracturing Daichi’s heart a little more. 

Daichi moves slightly carefully wrapping his arms around Suga’s weakening and shaking frame. Letting him rest fully against him. Suga greedily steals his body heat.

“It will be alright Koushi. I’m right here.”

  
  


—————————

  
  
  
  
  
  


Suga didn’t live to see the cherry blossoms bloom

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


—————————

  
  


The funeral was quiet despite the amount of people. 

It was a shock for most when they announced Suga’s death. It happened in the early morning hours as the sun was just starting its path in the sky. Just hours after Yui told Daichi his fifteen minutes were up. He gently pressed a kiss to Suga’s forehead before saying goodbye. 

If Daichi had known that would be his final goodbye he wouldn’t have left. He wouldn’t have accepted only fifteen minutes to say goodbye. He would have stayed by Suga’s side hoping to keep him happy for a bit longer. Making sure he wasn’t alone. 

He still couldn’t accept they were having to say goodbye as it was

Yet here they were

The volleyball team in its entirety was there. Even Asahi, who had left for the summer, came back as soon as he heard the news. Tears the only thing really breaking through the shock. 

Suga has known all along his fate and never shared it with anyone. It hurt knowing he suffered alone. That he didn’t want to bog them down. 

His parents were kind enough to explain why he chose not to tell them even though they were suffering as well. They had more time to prepare. They could at least shed light on the situation. So they invited them over one evening to give the full explanation. To do the best they could to explain their son’s logic. 

“He just wanted everyone to be happy. He didn’t want everyone to be tainted with ill memories of him,” His mother said as the team stared blank faced at her

“So he knew… the whole time?” Noya asked his voice cracking slightly

“No dear… he knew toward the start of the school year. The thing is though they had caught it too late. His body already rejected healing. He was well in the final stage. There was the option of delaying everything or living his last days as he did.”

“So he was in pain the whole time,” Hinata muttered clutching Kageyama’s shirt next to him

“He had meds to help but toward the end… it was tough.”

“He said it was just a cold,” Tsukishima said offly

Suga’s mother smiled softly and nodded, “He didn’t want to worry you all.”

She carefully pulled a small card from her pocket and handed it to Daichi. Everyone blinked a bit focusing on the writing. It was Suga’s. 

“He had wanted to write to each of you. At least I believe that’s what his plan has but the end crept up on him faster than expected. I think this was all the energy he really had left for.”

Daichi carefully opened the card. The inside was as plain as the outside. The writing was definitely Suga’s though sloppier than normal. He could feel the eyes from his teammates trained in him waiting to read it. 

But his voice was stuck

This was too much. It had all been too much. His best friend was gone. Not just his best friend… he really loved Suga. He was never really sure what all the flirting was between them at first but the more and more it happened the more he found himself loving every soft moment he could steal with Suga. Even more he fell in love with the absolute chaos Suga created even if he was stuck cleaning it up most of the time. 

He had fallen in love with his best friend but he had never said anything 

He had fallen in love with his best friend and he watched as he drew into himself oh so slightly and he didn’t comfort or stand by him enough during it

He had fallen in love with his best friend and he didn’t know if Suga knew

He had fallen in love with his best friend but now he was dead

Now he was stuck looking at some scribble as a final farewell. What he wouldn’t give to go back and do it again. Even if he would still have to say goodbye. He didn’t want fifteen minutes and a card. He wanted more. As selfish as it would be. 

Daichi felt a small squeeze on his shoulder. An urge to read what was written as everyone waited. Daichi licked his lips and tried to let the words flop out of his mouth that were trapped in his throat. 

“I wanted to write individually to all of you but it seems I miss judged myself. I could say I’m sorry for not telling you all but I’m really not. The reason itself is probably selfish but I guess it’s my request to you guys.”

Daichi pauses for a moment to collect himself. There really wasn’t much to the letter by the looks and maybe that’s part of why it hurt so much. 

“My family and friends. Those who have been with me through the best and worst even if you didn’t know it. I love all of you so much I didn’t want you to suffer with me. I didn’t want the last memory of me to be so painful for you all. I didn’t want you to worry too much about what was happening when life was still so full for all of you. Please don’t feel guilty. Some fate can be changed but some things are just set. You can only fight so much.”

Daichi felt his voice crack and a tear escaped. It wasn’t the first tear and he’s sure it wouldn’t be the last. He could feel his teammates come in a bit closer. Resting parts of themselves on him in comfort but they were all in the same boat. 

“My selfish requests are really what I did when I realized I was on the clock. Enjoy the little things and be happy. I know it will be stupid for me to say that but that’s what got me through everyday. Looking for happy little things. You all have so much life ahead of you. So many big things I wish I could see them all. There will be good and bad days and things will be overwhelming. So just tiny happy things. Everyday no matter how small. Just please don’t taint your memory of me with this sickness. I just wanted to see you all happy and I’m so glad I did. Please keep chasing your dream. I’m still watching.”

Daichi blinked rapidly trying to stop the tears but the splattered onto the letter anyway. Around him small sniffles and choked sobs from the others. 

Suga’s mother whipped away some of her own tears. Her hands shook as she pulled out one more very crumpled paper. Tattered on the sides. Some things crossed out or overwritten. A list of things that seemed so minor any other day. Some weren’t. So many of them were simple things about the team or his family. Many things like playing in the snow and stargazing had multiple checks by them likely signaling that Suga had done them several times since the list had been started. 

Daichi felt his heart fully break noticing that everything had been crossed off but one

Suga never got to see the cherry blossoms bloom one last time

  
  


—————————

  
  


Time halts for no one no matter what some people imagine. 

Ten years had gone by since Suga’s death. Ten years seemed so long yet Daichi feels like he hardly had blinked. 

He stretched as he exited the cab quickly dropping his luggage off in his apartment. He grabbed a few key things before leaving again. It would be an hour drive to his next destination. While some might say he’s stupid and should rest seeing he just got off a plane, he had a tradition he must attend. 

Not long after Suga’s death, life forced everyone to keep living. Just as Suga had wanted. The youngest were back playing volleyball. This who graduated had adult things now to handle. 

Yet Daichi had felt lost still

Like everything around him was moving at warp speed and he couldn’t unstick his feet

He was still on the path to becoming a police officer. He was attending the class and trainings needed but he still felt like he just wasn’t there. The loss had zapped him clean. Left him raw. 

He found himself staring at the letter from Suga and Suga’s list of tiny happiness. He just wanted to know… was Suga really happy during his time he suffered. How could he tell them to be happy now? What gave him the ability and power to demand happiness?

“Why don’t you follow the list?” Ennoshita had said one evening over tea

“What the list of things he did?”

“Yeah. You know Asahi now has plans on being a designer and all. A lot of it was from his early travels after Suga. Noya has decided he’s not playing volleyball after high school too. He wants to travel to the places Suga talked about and Hinata,” Ennoshita took a sip talk g the table slightly

“What is Hinata doing?”

“Suga had joked about playing beach ball while on vacation. I guess Hinata started watching some and was thinking about the two on two practices. He said he’s going to Brazil to play beach after he graduates.”

Daichi felt odd after hearing these things. His teammates carrying Suga’s idea of being great and following their dreams and being happy. 

Yet Daichi couldn’t tell if he was frozen or drowning 

So he did what Ennoshita suggested. He started doing the list. He couldn’t tell if it hurt more than it did him good. He just wanted something to feel normal again. Some sense that he could still feel Suga besides him as he went through life. Like the others seemed to find. 

It still took another year before he felt a bit more at ease. Till the cherry blossoms bloomed that is. It ruined him again sending him locked in his apartment for the better part of a week. 

“Daichi he said he’s still watching,” Yamaguchi tried when he heard Daichi hadn’t left his place

“We know it’s hardest on you. You were closest to him and you loved him so deeply… but he wouldn’t want you to live like this. I’m pretty sure he would be hitting you silly over it.”

Yamaguchi cleared empty bottles from the counter opening windows trying to let air in. 

“When’s the last time you visited him?”

Daichi looked up at the question. He knew he could. Suga’s parents made sure they could visit him as they had a place to pay respects for him set in their home. 

When had he?

“Maybe it will help Daichi,” Yamaguchi rested his hands on Daichi’s shoulders before continuing cleaning around him

Visiting Suga didn’t really help but talking to his parents did. 

“You did not live for him and he did not live for you. You two had separate lives that entwined the separated again by something beyond your control. Honor him all you want Daichi. Miss him all you want but you have to live for you. He would not be happy seeing you like this. You know that,” Suga’s mother whispered stroking the man’s hair as he cried besides Suga’s placement 

It still took time for Daichi to find his ground. He wasn’t really sure how he found it but he started to stand on his own. His mind often in the what if’s. What if he had confessed to Suga? What if Suga never got sick? What would life be like then?

When the next snow hit Daichi felt himself do the first really stupid thing that set things into motion. 

He went to some hot springs in Iceland and watched the snow fall around him. He came back home, his heart heavy but feet light. Carrying a rock from the springs with him. 

Then a few weeks later he found himself in a tattoo shop. Before he really calculated it he had a realistic cherry blossom tree covered in snow across his chest. 

It seemed to ease his heart

He visited Suga leaving the rock with him. Then went back to work. When the cherry blossoms started budding he picked one and again left it with Suga. When they bloomed he went back and left another. Clearing them once they fully died off. 

He took another trip. Visiting Hinata in Brazil. He brought Suga back a feather and some sand in a jar. 

He couldn’t say why but leaving Suga things that would have made him happy helped Daichi. It helped him move forward and move on. 

Daichi parked in the drive and stepped out to collect what he had gathered this time. He was met at the door once again by Suga’s mother. She still frowned at Daichi’s actions thinking them slightly unhealthy but was glad to finally see him better. Ten years had gone by and life finally seemed normal. 

“Your back already?”

“Short trip! Had to get back to the office Monday so I figured I would stop by now while I had time,” Daichi stepped in giving her a hug and switching shoes

“You just missed the Tanakas the other day. Let me tell you I’m so excited for their little one. I have a feeling it will be a girl!”

Daichi gladly gossiped with her over some tea catching her up on the short adventure he had also gone on. 

“Now Daichi,” she looked pointedly at him, “I need to know… when am I getting little one from you or am I going to have to kidnap the Tanakas little one?”

He snorted slightly. This was an ever going conversation. 

He had remained single since high school. Partly because his heart was healing. The other was really he just hadn’t met the right person since. 

“You know Suga would have been pissed if you never married because of him,” she had mentioned a few years ago

“When I meet someone he would approve of then I will marry,” Had been Daichi’s response 

And well… he was still very much single

“One day and I promise you will be the first to know,” Daichi teased finishing his cup

Suga’s mother sighed standing and collecting the cups, “Go now. Speak to him then be on your way. You need to actually sleep sometimes you know.”

Daichi gave a small bow and headed to Suga’s old room. He settled down in front of the stone lighting candles around it. All around were not only the things he had brought. When his teammates saw what he was doing they followed in suit. Leaving things they thought Suga would have loved. Be it memories or happy little things. 

Daichi smile’s softly at the photos of his teammates. He spotted the new ultrasound photo the Tanakas must have left. A silver Olympic medal from Hinata along with Kageyama’s autograph that Suga had created for him. 

Daichi set the tiny new jar besides the other objects. A bit of salt from the salt flats he just came back from. 

He bowed slightly, closing his eyes. Letting a small whisper flutter from his lips. 

“Thank you for looking after everyone Suga. We still love you. I hope we are making you happy. We are happy.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your tears they keep me thriving and young 
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